What the Suck Happened?!?!? Part II

I went to bunko Tuesday night and was so happy to see all of my girls. But I also realized that not all of them were up to speed on the Aftermath of The Suck. I have been procrastinating on blogging about the 24 hours after I unraveled the web of lies that was my marriage since it takes a lot out of me to do it. And especially since the Aftermath includes conversations between my dad and Justin and between Justin's mom and me, I wasn't sure if I wanted to post all of that on the internet. But it is necessary since both of those conversations will tell you a lot about how my family and I are dealing with all of this.

So... I will pick up from my last blog post then dive into Part II of The Suck.

I was happy that my signing of the divorce settlement agreement went so well. I remember Mary Jane told me the first two things I needed to do was hire a divorce attorney, then find a therapist. Now that all of the attorney stuff was wrapped up in a neat little bow, it was time to call the therapist. I had been referred to my therapist Heather by a couple of friends who really liked her. So I knew she was the one I needed to call. It turns out that she had a cancellation yesterday at 5:00, and she was able to see me in a few hours. I was glad, but I was also dreading having to tell the story from scratch to someone that does not know either me or Justin.

She welcomes me into her office and tells me to sit wherever I like. I say that I want to sit next to the tissues. I tell her that I'm sure she's heard a lot of crazy things, but do I have a story for her. As soon as I start talking I start crying. As I'm telling her why I am there and what I'm dealing with, her jaw drops further toward the floor with every sentence. She shakes her head in disbelief and says, "I'm so sorry! This is just unbelievable!" I didn't think therapists were supposed to react that way, but how could she not?

It really is just so outrageous. And that was made more apparent to me as I sat in a circle with 12 of my best friends the other night at bunko. Question after question... I answered every one, but none of the answers made any sense. I would have a million questions too if this had happened to any of them, so I didn't mind their asking. It was just emotionally exhausting.

So here is an account of the Aftermath for the girls who were sitting on the other side of the room last night and didn't hear it the first time around. And for the rest of you who haven't heard it yet. It might take me a couple sessions to put it all down, but I'm glad that this website autosaves as I type!

What The Suck Happened?!?!? Part II: The Aftermath

Saturday, August 28, 2010

I'm in the baptist church parking lot on Powder Springs Road in Marietta, GA down the street from the Cobb County Jail. I had gotten my Dad on the phone and he told me that I was too hysterical to drive. I needed to find someone who could pick me up. He says to call Lisa, my boss and family friend. I call her. I am still screaming/sobbing into the phone. Later she told me that when she answered and heard me, she thought that something had happened to one of my parents. So she was relieved to learn that they were fine, but devastated for me. She told me that she and Greg were on their way to Tennessee for the weekend. My heart sank. I didn't know what to do. I call Brandy since she lives in Marietta close to where I was. She didn't answer. I call Lisa again and she offers to call Staci for me while I call my Mom since she tried to call me back while I was on the other line. I talk to Mom. I'm still hysterical. She tells me to take a deep breath, to calm down. I try, but it's really hard. She says, "Do you want your Dad to come to Atlanta?" I think about it for about 2 seconds, and say, "Yes." She says, "Alright, just calm down so you can get somewhere safe. I'll call Dad and I'll see if I can rearrange my work schedule. He can definitely come, but hopefully your sister and I can come too. We need to make some calls." So I sit and cry some more. But I've got to find a way out of this parking lot because I'm afraid Justin and Brittany are going to drive by while leaving the jail.

Sarah is in Baltimore. Megan lives 40 miles away downtown. I don't know anyone else in Marietta. Staci calls me after she talked to Lisa. She offers to come pick me up and then John can drive us back later to get the car. No, that will be too much trouble, it's too far. So I calm down enough to drive to Staci's house. I get there and make more phone calls. Mom, Dad and Mary Jane will all be leaving around 5:00 to come to Atlanta. Lisa and Greg have given us the security code to get into their house while they are out of town. So generous. Staci said I could stay with her and John until my family got into town. They had hired a babysitter so they could go to dinner and a movie, but they said they'd take me to a bar instead! So I suggested Sage at Perimeter since the bar is very dark. I hadn't taken a shower since Friday morning as I had gotten out of bed at 4:00 am Saturday morning to bail my husband out of jail. I didn't have any toiletry items with me, and Staci lent me some things to clean up and even a cute shirt to wear! We are on the way to Sage, when my cell phone rings. I don't recognize the number but I answer anyway. It's Brittany, the girlfriend. I don't remember the order of the things that she told me, but here are the highlights:

- Justin took her to the Bail Bonds place so he could pay her back. She said that Lon met them there so he could take Justin home.
- She told Justin that she met his wife and that his whole double life had been exposed. She said to him, "Your WIFE was consoling ME. Do you know how that made me feel?"
- She asked how he could do something like this. Justin replied, "I'm a sociopath and I ruined three lives today." She responded, "No, you ruined two lives. Leave me out of this. I'll be fine."
- She told me that she told him she didn't want to see him anymore since he had lied to her just as much as he lied to me.
- She told me that she felt like a wh*re since she broke up a marriage. I told her not to call herself that, that I didn't think of her that way and she shouldn't think of herself that way. I told her that she had no idea that this was going on and that I didn't blame her.
- I thanked her again for being so honest with me and that I really appreciate it. I told her that it said a lot about her character that she called me after we left the jail, that she didn't have to do that. I think I made her feel better about herself. At least I wanted to. She is a victim of this too.

There is something I left out of What The Suck Happened?!?!? Part I that has since come back to me. I will tell you that now.

I asked Brittany, or should I say begged Brittany, to tell me if Justin told her that he was in love with her. She sat there for quite some time staring through the windshield. I knew she didn't want to answer. I begged her and told her that I would not be mad at her. That I just really needed to know. She finally took a deep breath and said, "He told me that was falling in love with me." This gave me the tiniest twinge of relief. Or maybe she was lying to me to spare my feelings. I'll never know. And I'm ok with that.

So I'm back in the car with Staci and John on the way to Sage. I relay the second Brittany conversation to them. We get to the bar and have drinks. I pick up the tab with some of the cash I withdrew for bail. I take my wedding band and engagement ring off and put them in my purse.

We decide that Staci and John will hang out with me at Perimeter and then Megan and Tom Branch will come and "relieve them." We went to Eclipse di Luna for apps and sangria until Megan and Tom arrived. When they did, Staci and John left. Megan and Tom hung out with me until my family was close to the Goldmans' house. The Ryals arrived around 11:30 or so. We go back to the house and there are hugs and tears all around. After Tom is introduced to the Ryal family, he and Megan leave.

Sunday, August 29, 2010

The next morning, Dad calls Justin at around 10:15 am. Dad asks if Justin is at the house. Justin says no. Dad tells Justin, "I am coming to the house at noon to get some of Erin's things. You better be gone." Justin agrees.

Dad and Mary Jane drive to East Atlanta to get my clothes and bathroom items. Keep in mind I still haven't showered since Friday morning and it's now Sunday morning. I really need some clothes. Megan and Tom meet Mary Jane and Dad at the house so they can take Bailey and Riggs for a couple days. The timing is uncanny, Dad and Mare pull in the gate, Megan and Tom pull in right behind them. And then Justin pulls in in the Blazer right behind them.

I have a feeling that Justin thought I might be with Dad to get my clothes, which is why he showed up at the house after Dad asked him not to. They all see the Blazer pull up and Megan and Tom stay in their car since they just don't know what to do. They know that he is not supposed to be there. Justin walks up to my Dad in the driveway and asks if they can talk. Dad says ok. Justin asks, "can we go inside?" I love that Dad wasn't even willing to ask him in the house. So Dad walked into the house with Justin following him, turned around and pointed to the office door and said, "IN HERE." In his deep voice. He didn't even want Justin to enter the living room. This is the gist of their conversation:

Justin is crying and is a wreck. Dad is furious (obviously).
Justin: Where is Erin? Is she ok?
Dad: Erin is in Dunwoody. And don't you dare go to Dunwoody.
J: I really need to talk to her. I know I can't begin to explain what I've done, but I really need to try.
D: Erin doesn't want to talk to you. She's not ready to talk to you yet. When she's ready, she will communicate with you via legal counsel or otherwise. But you will not talk to her today. She has had at least two lengthy conversations with Brittany and we all know you haven't been playing poker. You are headed for a divorce.
J: (Crying some more) I don't think I can live without her.
D: You already have been.

I don't remember where it went after that, but Dad let Justin know that it was in everyone's opinion that Bailey and Riggs would be better off if Justin was not responsible for their care. That's why Megan and Tom were taking them. Dad also told Justin that he needed to find someone that cared about him since he will need support.

Mary Jane said while all of this was happening that she, Megan and Tom were packing up my clothes, emptying my half of the dresser, my nightstand, the bathroom, etc. She was trying to hear what was going on behind that closed door but couldn't.

So Justin left, Megan and Tom took the dogs, and Dad and Mare came back to Dunwoody with tons of my stuff in garbage bags and shopping bags. Dad told me about the conversation he had with Justin and I couldn't have been more pleased. Mary Jane told me that Justin was lying about not being at the house when Dad called him at 10:15. When she was packing up my bathroom things, she noticed that the shower was wet and that he had been home, then left, then came back at noon. Were we surprised that he had lied to Dad? No.

Dad called Justin again to tell him that he would be coming back to the house at 3:00 to give him the Altima and to take the Blazer since the Altima's lease is under Justin's name and my name is on the title of the Blazer. So Dad and Mare go back to the house to swap cars and to put all of my hanging clothes into the back of the Blazer. When they walked into the house, Justin was in the living room despite the fact that my clothes were all over both couches. Dad told him that they needed space to pack up my clothes. He went back outside to wait with Mary Jane, but Justin never came out of the house. Dad walked back in to find Justin in the kitchen and said, "When I told you we needed space, I meant for you to leave. Mary Jane would feel more comfortable if you weren't here." "Oh," Justin said and walked toward the door with his head down and his tail between his legs.

When I had cleaned my stuff out of the Altima, I found the mug shot sheet of paper that I had to sign to bail him out. I gave it to Mary Jane and asked her to put it on the fridge in the blank space where all of my pictures had been (she had taken them and brought them to me). I was pleased when she came back and told me she had put the mug shot on the fridge.

After Mare and Dad got back to Dunwoody, we all relaxed. It had been a long day. Then I got a voicemail from Judy, Justin's mother. She was crying and said, "Erin, I'm so sorry about what's happened. Please give me a call, I hope I can talk to you. Love you." I had wanted to talk to her, but I didn't want her to hear the news from me. I wanted Justin to be the one to tell her that I had left him. His family and I loved each other so much, and I knew that they would devastated by this. I thought when I talked to Judy that she and I would be crying on the phone to each other about how we would miss each other and how awful this was. That's not exactly how the conversation went. Here is my recollection of it:

Judy: Hello?
Erin: Hi, it's Erin.
J: Erin, thank you so much for calling. I'm so sorry about what's happened.
E: I wanted to call you for two reasons. One, because you're my family and I love you. Two, because I want you to know the truth. I have no idea what Justin's told you, so why don't you tell me what you know and then I'll fill in the blanks with the truth.
J: Well, Justin said that he got arrested for a DUI, that you and another woman came to bail him out and that he had been seeing her for 8 months.
E: (Pause) That's right. I really didn't know if he would tell you the truth or not, but that's what happened. (I must also note that I was irritated she used the phrase "seeing her for 8 months" instead of "cheating on you for 8 months")
J: Erin, you have a really big heart. And I know you can't forget, but you CAN forgive.
E: Yes, I can forgive. But I can't forgive HIM. And I won't.

And then I launch into a lot of the details that Brittany told me. I tell her that I spoke to her for at least 20 minutes and how Justin had played both of us. I wanted to explain to Judy why I had to walk away. I felt like she wasn't getting it. I even told Judy how Justin had made plans to take Brittany to the W even though I asked him if he wanted to visit his parents over Labor Day. And he said no, he wanted to stay in Atlanta.

J: I don't know if Justin has ever told you this before, but Jim and I have been down this road.
E: (Pausing in disbelief) No, Justin has never told me that.
J: I wasn't sure if he had or not. It happened about 15 years ago when Justin and Brian were in high school or college. High school I think. There was an affair that lasted a lot longer than 8 months. Jim actually moved out of the house for a few months, but then he moved back in. It wasn't easy, but we made it work and we're still making it work. I think if you really love Justin, that you would take some more time to really think this through and to try to salvage your marriage.
E: (Furious now) I don't need any more time to think about it. My mind was made up when I left him at that jail. I am filing for divorce.
J: Are you sure? That is such a drastic decision to make without taking enough time to really think it through and at least try to work it out.
E: Judy, if this were a one-night stand or a drunken mistake, I would totally be willing to talk to him and to try to work it out through counseling or whatever. But this was an 8-month long pre-meditated, calculated choice that he made. And that is unforgivable.
J: I just don't think you should throw it away so quickly.
E: My situation is completely different from yours. I am 32 years old. I love my job. I have lots of great friends and a wonderful family. We don't have any kids. I have my life ahead of me. If we had kids, that would be different. I would take more time to think about what was best for my family. But we don't. And I'm so grateful for that. I cannot stay with someone I don't trust. I will not live my life that way. I deserve more than that.

At this point, I think she was trying to respond, but due to my spotty cell service in the burbs, the call was dropped. I got a voicemail from her about 15 minutes later that said, "Erin, if you have it in your heart, please call me back. I'd really like to talk to you some more. Please call me." But I didn't call her back and I don't want to speak to her again. I know he is her son, but I was so disturbed and disgusted by that conversation. I felt like I didn't know him or his family at all after 8 years.