Anger Management

I'm just so angry still.  Maybe that's why I'm not crying.  I am just really pissed off.  I don't even miss him.  I miss my dogs though. 

I just went through my Facebook photo albums and deleted every picture he was in and all of the pictures from our anniversary dinners and vacation.  Sickening.  I didn't tear up at all.  I felt like I was looking at someone I didn't know. 

I was sitting in traffic on the way home from work (the traffic on Old Alabama Connector doesn't compare to the 75/85 Connector I must say) and as I was listening to Destiny's Child's "Survivor" on repeat, I just got so mad.  I had a vision of calling Justin and laying into him and asking him how he could lie to me for so long and does he realize that I settled for him and that I'm going to be so much happier without him?  My heart started beating really fast and my chest tightened up.  I didn't know what to do.  I didn't want to call anyone because I didn't want to get upset since I had to stop at the store.  So I just sat there and focused on my breathing.  I am a fan of the documentary shows on A&E like Intervention, Obsessed and Hoarders.  So I thought about the exposure therapy that the OCD sufferers experience on Obsessed.  For example, if someone has a debilitating fear of germs then the therapist will take them into a public restroom and make them touch a toilet seat for 30 seconds.  Their anxiety goes through the roof, but they sit with it and recognize it and sooner than they realize it comes down to a manageable level.  I know I don't have obsessive compulsive disorder, but that thought process really helped me to calm down and feel better and not pick up the phone.  To call anyone.  I don't know if I will talk to him again, I told my therapist that I want her to help me decide that.  I still don't feel like a conversation with him will benefit me in any way.  But I have a feeling that in order to fully move on I'm going to need to do that.  But who knows.  Whatever works for me each day is what I'm going to do.

I think keeping busy socially is really helping me.  I have a lot of fun things planned to look forward to. 

I had such a great time this past weekend when Allison Hope and Taylor came to visit.  I think they were prepared to sit and cry with me into our wine, but we went out with Sarah, Claire and Megan and had a great time.  We all laughed a ton and as I mentioned in my last post, I even cried a little bit.  It meant a lot to me.  I have some more road trips planned to visit friends who aren't able to come see me!