Well, my 9-day divorce-related crying streak came to an end. I'm pretty proud of it though.
Tuesday and Wednesday were pretty difficult for me this week. Our settlement agreement was filed on Sept. 21 and our case was assigned to a judge. Our judge requires that we both fill out a Domestic Relations Financial Affidavit (i.e., itemized list of monthly expenses and joint/separate assets). They are not required for uncontested divorces, but our judge is apparently very buttoned up and asked for these forms. It was not fun to fill out. And it prompted numerous back and forth emails between me and Justin since he filled his out incorrectly and mailed it to my attorney before we realized it. So he had to submit a second one. It was very frustrating, and I told him "This exercise sucks and I hate that I have to do it." I guess I really do say "suck" a lot. Anyway... I wanted to share with you the following email exchange that took place because it has really been a breakthrough for me. I will share my portion of the email verbatim, but out of respect I will not copy and paste his words. I will paraphrase. But I won't leave out any pertinent information (i.e., anything). Some of this information I have only shared with a select few, but I am deciding to put it on the blog so you will know the full extent of his deception/betrayal/lies and it will also shed some light on my drinking habits and why I was not happy in our relationship. Like I said before, this is the new Erin who no longer sugar coats things. With that said, please read on.
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
To: Justin
From: Erin
Now that I've had 4+ weeks to digest all of this, I have been considering talking to you for some sense of closure. I am seeing my new therapist again tomorrow, so I will ask her for her advice on this. But I can't help but notice that the only time you've said "I'm sorry" to me was in the email about filling out the form incorrectly. I know you realize that I don't want to talk to you and you are respecting my wishes, but part of me is still baffled by the fact that even though you so desperately wanted to talk to me on Aug 28, you still haven't put a note in with the mail you sent me or emailed me anything about the situation. It will be hard for me to believe anything you say, but I'm wondering if it might be good for both of us to say some things we want to say to each other. But if you'd rather just keep looking forward and not talk again that's fine with me. I guess I just wanted to feel you out on it before I make a decision. So let me know what you think.
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
From: Justin
To: Erin
(Paraphrasing)
I've written numerous notes that I never sent and tried to call but always put down the phone. I wanted to apologize, but the tone of your first email made this seem like a business transaction and you would not take into consideration anything I had to say (which I completely understand). I thought you didn't want to hear anything other than business related things, so that's why I didn't say them.
Having said that, I am absolutely sorry for what I have done. I don't have any reasons. What I did was not merited in any way. I am eventually going to figure out why I did what I did with some professional help. I made very selfish, foolish decisions that I cannot take back. I'm deeply sorry for the pain I've caused you. You were an amazing partner and wife, and I took that for granted. I was afraid to talk to you about the things I felt and the things that worried me about us because I didn't want to hurt your feelings. But instead I did something much much worse. I could never apologize enough. I am sorry.
Also, I wanted to clarify that the day that I showed up at the house at noon when your Dad was there was a misunderstanding. I honestly thought that he told me to be there at noon. I got the car out of the impound lot that morning and rushed back to be there at noon since I thought he asked me to. I was not trying to be defiant or cause a scene. So I apologize.
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
To: Justin
From: Erin
(Verbatim)
Thanks for writing that. This at least gives me some insight as to what was going on in your head (even though you can't explain it).
So what I'm gathering from your email is that you weren't happy in our marriage but you were afraid to talk to me about it because you didn't want to hurt my feelings. I hate that you felt you couldn't communicate with me. Because I think I am one of the easiest people to communicate with. I am all about open communication and I always have been. I don't know if you knew that or not. I remember telling you years ago when Mary Jane went through her divorce that I would much rather have you tell me you don't want to be with me anymore before you started seeing someone else. But I guess you didn't believe me. I've also told you that I can tolerate a lot of things, but not lying. I am a big girl and can handle difficult things, as long as it's the truth. But you didn't believe me on that either. And it makes me sick to think about the fact that I cried to you 2 months ago because I felt so guilty about giving a guy my phone number when I was drunk. How I needed your support to curb my drinking so I could make sure that I wouldn't get into a situation where I might be unfaithful without even knowing it. Because you told me that if I ever cheated on you that you would leave me. It makes me absolutely sick to think that while you were sitting there looking all pensive you were actually thinking about Brittany, but at the time I thought you were wondering if you could trust me again. Sickening.
Like I told your mom, I totally would have tried to work it out with you if this were a one night stand or a drunken mistake. But to learn all of the things I learned about your other identity, your four-year-long broken engagement, your "roommate" who has 2 dogs named Bailey and Riggs, the ridiculously lame excuse you gave Brittany as to why you were wearing your dad's wedding band, how you emailed her from our anniversary cruise... it's all so insane and unbelievable. I've seen you lie to other people so many times so easily and quickly. But I actually believed you when I called you out on it and you told me you could never lie to me. Shame on me.
I also want you to know that looking back on our marriage I was not happy. My friends knew it, my family knew it, I was just so stubborn in defending you and why our marriage worked for us. But I am so looking forward to my new life and dating and traveling (I've already booked a flight to New York and my family is going to Ireland in 2012) and finding someone who loves to dance and who loves to go to restaurants and wedding receptions with me and who loves to hang out with my friends. Because that's what I deserve. We could have talked about what was wrong with our marriage and even decided to split amicably and I wouldn't have to live this awful Jerry Springer Lifetime Made-for-TV-Movie that is now my life. But coulda shoulda woulda.
I am extremely upset now and I can't write anymore. I need to work. But I'm thinking that emailing each other might be better than talking on the phone.
And one more thing - about your misunderstanding my dad's phone call about showing up at the house. I was standing there when he was on the phone with you. He made it very clear, he said, "I need you to be gone." I don't know what's confusing about that. We all thought that you showed up b/c you thought I might be there since Dad asked you not to be. So I don't believe you on that. Apology not accepted.
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